Is it very wrong to be glad the Jade Goody has eventually died? I mean in this in the most compassionate sense - if the tabloids are to be believed she was suffering terribly and in much pain. Also I was getting a bit fed up with the running commentary of the whole thing. I don't think her suffering and death will make much difference to the rate of newly diagnosed cervical cancers, or to young girls having their smears......i think now the circus is over we'll all just look to the next thing that trash media wants us to buy into. Now i read that the council estate where she grew up is to have a blue plaque (usually reserved for those who've made a significant contribution to society) and a community centre built in her honour.

Yes it's a tragedy that a young woman has died, leaving two young sons. But what about all the other young mums who die? I'm sure they too touch the hearts of many. I think the general feeling amongst my patients (many of whom are also dying of cancer) is one of relief that they no longer have to be reminded of their own limited mortality.

I thought it was time i dusted off the covers of the blogger notebook and get blogging again - largely inspired by my good friend Erica who has an excellent blog herself. Not sure why it's taken me nearly two years to blog again.....although i have some theories. Now Steve and I have started leading stuff again everything is bright and fizzy and i feel as if i have something to say again. Also i think the arrival of the sunshine over the past few weeks has left me quite energised.

The problem now, of course, is that i have so much to say that i don't know where to start.

Hoorah, England are through to the rugby world cup final.....i've been fiddling on the computer whilst Steve has given me a colourful running commentery. Is it sacrilidge to admit i wasn't actually (or interested in) watching the game? Don't really care. So today we went to Westonbirt Arboretum for Simon Baker's birthday treat (i think the treat bit for him was having Megan and Joe to play with). We had such a lovely autumnal walk in pleasently mild weather and I was amazed that a bunch of trees could be so beautiful.

I've also realised the dangers of facebook for the first time. I installed "Funwall" after being invited by several people and consequently got all my friend's recent funwall postings on my home page. Now this seemed to be very amusing until i saw some utterly repulsive photos that people have posted on my friends walls that truely sickened me. I have no idea who the people are who think these images are funny (they are friends of friends), but i resorted to uninstalling funwall and deleting certain "friends" who seem to encourage this. It's unerving though to have no control over what your eyes see.

Hoorah! After much faffing around and some technical jiggery-pokery i have finally got access to my blog again! It's been a while....i expect my few readers would have given up on me long ago.

So i'm sitting in my lounge with the back door open so the crisp autumn air can gently waft in. Joseph is fast asleep and Megan is in school and i am again (for a brief time each day) a lady of leisure. Not sure what to do with my time though, i seem to gravitate towards Facebook and playing online Cattan, and now i can blog more too.

I'm really enjoying Megan and Joe at the moment. Megs seems so grown up now she's in school and her imagination has rocketted (not sure if this is a positive response to new experiences or an opportunity to retreat into a world of her own creation). Yesturday we walked to school and she was shouting her latest fantasy: she's Jack, the superhero, to the rescue of all the children stuck on the roof who are being attacked by the giant.

Joseph is now walking (at some speed) and trying out talking. He says "mumumumumumum" quite alot when he wants to get my attention, and i fancy he said "ta" today when i gave him some banana. He's also developed a cute little wave: mainly bending his hand as if he's playing an invisable castanet. Both of them play really well together and make eachother laugh.

Steve and i have started the marriage course and so far so good. I've found it's not so much the material that we're being taught (it's mainly common sense) that i've enjoyed, it's more the time spent with him when we are only allowed to talk about our marriage - not the children, or guitars, or bikes, or money, or church......it's refreshing. The food has been yummy too.

Isn't it funny how something as simple as having a clean house can lift your spirits? For a few weeks now i've been trying to do a proper clean (moving furniture etc) but Joe is so active and into everything that i've been loathed to leave him alone for too long, and he's terrified of the hoover. So when i got really fed up with my less-than-clean house (it really stresses me out) i risked leaving him with Megan downstairs and blitzed the house. It felt so good, and the joy of having a bagless hoover is that you can actually see what stuff your carpet is harbouring...so disgusting.

And when i drove into work tonight every single traffic light was on green. That has never ever happened to me before. It was like something out of a movie! to top it all off, my old friend Rob Douglas (Dr) was on call tonight - bizzarely for the ENT team and as chance would have it we needed him. It's very strange seeing someone not normally associated with work, at work. Nick Miller has popped in for a cuppa in the past after he's dropped off someone in A&E and that was very wierd. It's like all of a sudden i'm on show, like the part of me that my friends never see is revealed and it's a rabbit-in-the-headlights experience. They may discover that i'm not a very good nurse after all.

Hoorah, off to Portugal on Thursday (technically only one more sleep to go). Life has been so full-on over the past few weeks, mainly organising and running youth stuff, i think i'll appreciate my holiday even more. The slightly unsettling thing is that our villa is very near to the resort that Maddy was snatched from. We may get on the telly!

Hurrah, i managed an hour nap this morning while Megs was at nursery and Joe was asleep, and i feel like a human being!!

After i blogged last night i had an interesting time with a patient - an 18 year old newly diagnosed who was understandably anxious and dealing with unimaginable pain. She is also a Muslim, a proper one who's passion and grace rivals that of the most passionate of followers of Jesus. I was really touched by her faith and her conviction that despite her pain and her uncertain future, Allah was real and present and had everything in hand. We had such a good conversation about faith in general and she thought it was great that i followed Jesus. I came away feeling regenerated and inspired to love Jesus more. Not sure if she'll be around next week.

After receiving the threat (from the fascist blog police) of being wiped off forever from the BV website if i didn't blog pretty sharpish, i thought I'd show willing and actually write something. The problem is that so much has happened that it's tricky to narrow it all down to something readable, but I'll have a go.

I guess the past few months i have been dealing with a huge amount of frustration over an issue that i have a fairly limited amount of control over and no matter how much i try to persuade, cajole, comment, advise, get cross, and generally try to stick my oar in, nothing changes and i just end up looking and feeling like a chump. It is totally beside the point that clearly God has other ideas. But i wouldn't be me if i didn't kick and scream just a little bit. Interestingly I've started reading a book, a commentary on John's gospel, and currently (and appropriately) I'm reading about the raising of Lazarus and Mary and Martha's responses to Jesus. It's basically talking about not trusting when things don't seem to be going how you want it to go, about being arrogant enough to think your agenda is better than God's (ouch). I actually might write a book - "Reflections on Being a Martha". It would be autobiographical of course, and totally narcissistic but i feel i have a lot of material to use.

On a lighter note, Joseph is now 6 months old, 21lbs (which is quite heavy) and trying to crawl already. He says "a-da" quite a lot and is very, very smiley. Megs loves him and they play together - it's such a joy to see. I was feeling particularly hormonal last week and had a sudden panic that someday they might be sad, or hurting or lonely. It was horrible.

So i've started work again, in fact i'm sitting at the nurse's station writing this at 1.30 am. Night shifts are ok, especially when you're working with friends. It's tomorrow that's a killer. I'll start to flag at about 3pm (32 hours awake) and go to bed when Steve gets in at 6 (if i last that long). It would be fine if i went to the zoo or something out in the fresh air, but then i'll have to drive home and i daren't risk it (i have nearly fallen asleep at the wheel - not good). It doesn't take me long to get back into my usual routine but it does mean that i'm tired pretty much all the time - a bit of a party pooper really.

Anyway, back to work.

Jedi Mind Tricks
Megs has come up with an ingenious way of obtaining things. Yesturday she said "mummy, would you like..." (which means "mummy, can i have...") and then, really quietly, "...some chocolate buttons?". I asked her to repeat it as it was too quiet, and said even quieter "...some chocolate buttons?". Having a rough idea as to what she was probably asking for, I said "Chocolate buttons?". "Oh, Ok!" she said, as if it was all my idea in the first place! Of course she got her chocolate buttons, for being very funny and cute and quite clever.

We took the youth homegroup to The Mix on Sunday night and it rocked! The worship was awesome - i didn't want it to end. There's something so exciting about worshipping with a huge crowd of teenagers, it reminds me why i'm a youthworker right down to my bones. The Mix team were a little too enthusiastic though. Some of the young people emerged from the ministry room set aside for those who had made a first time committment that evening and I felt like a chump having assumed these young people were Christians already. "What kind of youth leader am i?" i thought, "to assume something so huge?". Feeling rather sheepish I tried to broach the subject with them, only to find out that they had wanted to use the toilet - situated perilously close to the ministry room - and got hauled in by mistake by an enthusiastic team who thought they were too shy to walk straight in! Hopefully it hasn't put them off from going next month.

Jedi Mind Tricks
Megs has come up with an ingenious way of obtaining things. Yesturday she said "mummy, would you like..." (which means "mummy, can i have...") and then, really quietly, "...some chocolate buttons?". I asked her to repeat it as it was too quiet, and said even quieter "...some chocolate buttons?". Having a rough idea as to what she was probably asking for, I said "Chocolate buttons?". "Oh, Ok!" she said, as if it was all my idea in the first place! Of course she got her chocolate buttons, for being very funny and cute and quite clever.

We took the youth homegroup to The Mix on Sunday night and it rocked! The worship was awesome - i didn't want it to end. There's something so exciting about worshipping with a huge crowd of teenagers, it reminds me why i'm a youthworker right down to my bones. The Mix team were a little too enthusiastic though. Some of the young people emerged from the ministry room set aside for those who had made a first time committment that evening and I felt like a chump having assumed these young people were Christians already. "What kind of youth leader am i?" i thought, "to assume something so huge?". Feeling rather sheepish I tried to broach the subject with them, only to find out that they had wanted to use the toilet - situated perilously close to the ministry room - and got hauled in by mistake by an enthusiastic team who thought they were too shy to walk straight in! Hopefully it hasn't put them off from going next month.